Steven Spielberg should stick to directing dinosaur movies

               

NOTE: You won’t understand a single damn thing in this post if you haven’t read the novel for Memoirs Of A Geisha               

I don’t know if I’m the only one who noticed this, but the movie for Memoirs Of A Geisha sucks. In fact, Memoirs Of A Geisha happens to be the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever watched. Why? Because almost 90% of the stuff in the movie does not follow the book.

                     

What’s more, the movie portrays the characters very poorly. And I’m saying ‘poorly’ as in beggars will feel rich kind of ‘poorly’. As if that isn’t enough already, the characters talk in the shittiest slangs ever. Just put it in this way. Chinese ladies trying to imitate a Japanese slang. And that didn’t work very well either, because Michelle Yeoh, Gong Li, Ken Watanabe, and that dildo who plays Nobu, all spoke in a semi-British slang. Here are a few other stupid bullshit events that sucked in the movie:

~ Chiyo becomes a geisha in a time shorter than it takes to finish reading and understanding this sentence.

~ Zhang Ziyi, Michelle Yeoh, and Gong Li are Chinese. Not Japanese. Chinese.

~ The Chairman looks like some sick gay-ass wanker when he bought the snow cone for Chiyo.

~ Nobu has two arms, and his face isn’t as bad as described in the novel.

~ Remember how the novel describes Nobu as the one-armed guy with a kick-ass, serious attitude? Well, we can forget about that. In the movie, Nobu is more cheerful than a clown high on pot.

~ The only danna Sayuri ever got is the chairman. In the book, she’s got some weird fat ass general as her danna before World War II.

~ Zhang Ziyi may be pretty, but she sure was ugly from showing a painful expression when the hairdresser was yanking on her hair.

~ Michelle Yeoh’s face isn’t exactly an oval, as the novel potrayed Mameha’s perfect oval face.

~ Hatsumomo wasn’t exactly as mean as described in the novel. In the movie, she was more of a PMS queen.

~ The general that screws Sayuri near the end of the movie was a Caucasian. In the novel, the general was supposed to be Japanese.

~ I’m too tired to go on.

                   

You want to know all the other shitty bits? Read the novel, and then, watch the movie. Spot them yourself. I’m too tired to list them all for you. There’s just way too many shitty parts. But then again, I would advice you not to watch the movie.

By the way, this review contains spoilers.

                              

~ People think the movie would have been better if they made a memoir of me ~